I bet there are a few of you reading this that are still waiting for an owl to deliver your letter from Hogwarts. Well this may just be the article for you!
When you were in school, what was the most dangerous thing you could think of? Was it a gigantic spider eating your face off? Was it stealing a dragon’s egg for the amusement of the entire student body? Was it battling the most deadly person on the planet in front of everyone right before summer vacation? If you attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry between the years of 1991 and 1998, you probably answered yes to at least one of these things as Hogwarts is probably the most dangerous school to ever send your children, keeping in mind that the X-Mansion gets blown up every few years. Let’s take a deeper look into how utterly insane you’d have to be to send your children to Hogwarts.
Now if you’re reading this you’ve certainly heard of the Harry Potter series and you know all about the magical school of Hogwarts and how the student body is selected, correct? Yes of course. What you also may have conveniently forgotten or pushed aside in your brain is how utterly insane it is for any parent to consider shipping their child off to for any amount of time. In the first book and movie, almost as soon as Harry sits down at his new school that he’s readily and definitively decided that was better than his former life at his aunt and uncle’s house, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore approaches the podium and tells all of the new students of the dangers that Hogwarts has in store for them this year. Keep in mind that the lion’s share of new students are all eleven years old, some of which didnt even know that magic was real until literally DAYS before arriving at this haunted castle in Scotland. Oh yeah!!! It’s haunted and the ghosts are running wild like Hulk Hogan in the eighties in this joint.
So how does Professor Dumbledore welcome these young people to this magical house of magical pain? He tells them that if unless a
nyone wanted to meet a most horrible death, they’d stay off of the third floor. That’s what he just said to a large group of children, specifically to the eleven year olds who just found out they had powers, right after a talking hat was placed on their heads to pretty much decide on whether or not a kid was a douche or not.
Speaking of the Sorting Hat, imagine being the last kid in line who had to put that thing on. You know kids often have lice right? But yeah, it’s a place where magic exists so there’s probably a spell that can get rid of that.
Dumbledore then goes off to tell the children that the Forbidden Forest is, well, forbidden. However, later in the same academic year it’s used as a place where the same eleven year old students are sent for detention. Throughout the series we learn that the Forbidden Forest is home to gigantic spiders, centaurs, unicorns, trolls, a tree that will literally beat the crap out of you, and and ever growing list of fantastic beasts that are just waiting to find you in their bellies as dinner. And that’s just the first day of school!
As the series goes on, it seems that if Hogwarts is trying to double down on all the danger that it can provide its student body, as if school wasn’t already stressful enough, with the Tri-Wizard Tournament. This is where one student from three different magical schools compete in three death traps for the amusement of the student body and their respective faculty members. We all know that football can lead to getting a concussion, but have you ever fathomed the thought of trying to steal an egg from a nursing, mother dragon? Well Hogwarts thinks nothing of it and even lets a kid who wasn’t even eligible for the tournament. Oh yeah, a kid died during the final event of the tournament and it was met with the same kind of consequences that one would expect at this wizarding academy and that’s absolutely none.
Did I mention that the entire time that Harry Potter is attending Hogwarts, the entire school and student body are subject to mortal danger, simply because of who Harry Potter is? Because yeah, that’s a thing. Even after Harry dropped out prior to his final year, the damage had already been done and the school was now filled with the worst wizard to have ever lived’s most powerful followers who “practiced” using the torture curse on yet another group of 11 year old kids. But before all of that, remember the third floor I mentioned previously? Well the reason why you couldn’t go up there because Cerebus was up there just chilling, guarding a rock from a teacher with a man on the other side of his head. If this school isn’t sounding completely bonkers to you yet, let’s talk about the faculty shall we?
Hagrid, a half giant, full on sociopath is the groundskeeper and later Care of Magical Creatures Teacher has absolutely no business being around children. If there’s a magical creature that can snatch your head off like a paper towel, he somehow has access to it and can’t wait to put a child, again a child, right up in it’s face. In the books he’s responsible for more non-fatal student accidents then most Death Eaters and that’s saying a lot. He illegally hatched both a giant spider and a dragon at the school and knowingly brought a hippogriff, a giant eagle horse, knowing full well they were unpredictable and deadly in front of the younger student body.
Remus Lupin, a werewolf who may as well have been named “Hey I’m a Werewolf” who was probably the most level headed teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts, was still A WEREWOLF!!!! A mindless creature that will bite and infect any and everyone in its path.
Mr Filch, though not magical at all was just a creepy weird old man with a cat obsession who was very concerned about the students being out of bed. No thanks.
My final example is just the worst of the bunch out of everyone who came to Hogwarts to teach and that was Bartimus Crouch, Jr, who disguised as Mad Eye Moody (yes, that’s the name of someone who should be teaching kids anything) on the first day of class taught the children how to murder with magic. What in the F???
So if you do indeed have magical powers and you’re looking to send your kids off to Hogwarts and you love them, don’t. Home school them or send them to any other school for magic because if there’s one thing that Hogwarts is good for, it’s putting your children in mortal danger that will likely cost them their very lives.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m heading to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios. Go Slytherin.
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