Written by Monica Duarte and Lileana Barrera, LCSW FACT Clinical Director
Are you a cosplayer who is feeling exhausted and drained by cosplay or the cosplay environment? Is cosplaying suddenly feeling different from when you started? Is the excitement gone? Are you feeling burnt out? Is the social media pressure of the cosplay community giving you anxiety? Is the cosplay you once loved suddenly making you unhappy? We hear a lot of talk in the cosplay community about Cosplay Positivity. But what does it mean to be “Cospositive” and what does it apply to? And how do we avoid these feelings of unhappiness?
It’s not uncommon to see negative reviews surrounding cosplay and the cosplay community on social media. But for as many negative comments as there may be, there are easily just as many extremely happy and positive comments about the wonder that is cosplay. Cosplay can be an extremely personal and different experience for everyone. Chances are, no two people are experiencing it the same way, which, in itself doesn’t seem likely to be a bad thing. But there seems to be a disconnect happening for many cosplayers. Why are some people getting so much happiness or excitement from the experience, while others are left feeling depleted or unfulfilled?
For many, Cosplay is a way to express themselves, be creative, and make new friends. It creates a sense of community that most grown-ups lose after high school or college. For some, it goes so far as to make them feel more confident about themselves without realizing it. Many find it was an avenue that helped them learn more about themselves. And let’s face it, it’s just fun to dress up!
But alas, there is no light without darkness. It might surprise some people to know that it is not all that uncommon to find that something a person once poured their heart and soul into and brought them so much joy, suddenly doesn’t. Cosplay itself may not be the core issue. Without realizing it, the expectations we put on ourselves or on the cosplay community can become unhealthy. That being said, how did it get there? Well, if you find yourself are feeling burnt out, exhausted, irritable, pessimistic or generally unhappy about your cosplay experience, it may be time to look inward and ask yourself, “When or why did I start feeling this way?”
Instead of trying to psychoanalyze something that is different for everyone, what I would like to do is venture into some of the potential reasons why some of these feelings can begin to manifest themselves. Whether some of the points made, or none of the points made apply to you, the point here is to reach out and let people struggling with similar experiences know that they are not alone.
Validation
Cosplay can be a method of receiving validation. This might seem obvious to some degree, but as adults, we don’t often like to admit that we seek validation from others. Why wouldn’t we? It feels good to “wow” people. Compliments are flattering and they make a person feel creative or unique. Cosplay is this “special” universe where adults come together, put their egos aside and celebrate what they geek-out over, without any shame of “not acting our own age.” Anyone would be lying to themselves if they said they didn’t care to find a realm where they could be unapologetically themselves and get praised for it. All of these things might be unspoken truths, but they are true nonetheless, and they are completely normal! It is normal for us to want to have some form of recognition for a job well done.
Seeking validation in itself isn’t an issue. It becomes an issue when we begin to over-invest in the validation we get from it. Cosplay can’t be the only source of positive feelings we have in our lives. Allowing it to become that and not diversifying our own self-worth is pretty much the equivalent of having a “co-dependent” or “enmeshed” relationship.
Dependence on the approval of others will force us to cosplay in ways that won’t bring long-term happiness. When you Cosplay for the reactions or responses of others, as opposed to Cosplaying for what you feel you connected to, it can cause feelings of inadequacy. Suddenly you’ll find yourself thinking your costume choice was not “good enough” because it did not get as many likes as a previous post did, or maybe not enough people stopped you on the convention floor.
As cliché as it may sound, the old saying stands true. We cannot truly be happy until we are first happy with ourselves, independent of outside factors. Learning to be proud and happy with your cosplay regardless of outside validation is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship with any hobby or lifestyle.
Insecurity & Comparison
“Comparison” is the killer of all joy. It is the quickest way to feel unhappy. Not just in Cosplay but in any aspect of life. Chances are if you compare yourself to others in cosplay, you’re probably also doing it in other areas of your life. If you find yourself comparing yourself to others, you are putting yourself on the fast track to feeling insecure.
Riddle me this: Did you start to Cosplay because you thought it would be fun or because you wanted everyone to see how amazingly creative you can be? For the sake of argument, I’m going to assume most started because of how fun they thought it would be, not because they saw it as this amazing forum to inflate their own egos. If you fall into the latter, let me say, with all the sincerity in the world: You’ve always been pretty amazing and I hope you realize that very soon! The inability to see ourselves in a realistic way is the number one ingredient for low self-esteem. If we are not able to see ourselves, often as others see us, in a positive, sincere, and realistic way, Cosplay will never satisfy what we set out for it to do. Appreciate yourself for your own uniqueness and don’t compare yourself to others. After all, how boring would Cosplay be if everyone were the same?
Perfectionism
You won’t debut a new cosplay until it is perfect. You scrutinize every part of your work. You’re unhappy with any project unless it looks exactly like it does on TV. You believe that others expect perfection from you and it stresses you out? Sound familiar? In your effort to have things be “perfect” you may find that you are alienating yourself. Do you criticize friends or other cosplayers because their cosplays are not to the caliber that yours is? As difficult as this may be to take in I think it’s important to keep in mind that, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. Did that sting a little? Maybe confuse you a little? Both would be natural reactions… to a perfectionist.
The concept of “perfection” is unrealistic because it is a completely subject concept. If you are always expecting perfection from yourself and from others, you will always fall short. Ever heard the expression that one man’s trash is another man’s gold? Well, it’s true. A healthier perception would be to redirect the focus from “perfect” to something closer aligned with why you chose the cosplay, to begin with. Was it fun? Did it remind you of a special memory? All of those are much more likely to make you feel fulfilled or satisfied than expecting something studio quality. Studio quality isn’t why we got into this in the first place, is it?
Negativity
Negativity is BFF’s with Perfectionism. High or unrealistic expectations often lead to a pessimistic outlook because gasp nothing ever measures up to unattainable standards. Now doesn’t that sounds like something that would easily fuel insecurity and comparisons? I think so too! It would make sense that if you have negative beliefs about yourself, then as an extension you would have it about your cosplay as well. Negative or distorted thoughts likely didn’t start when you entered the Cosplay realm. There’s a really good chance (regardless of gender) that you have been a victim of your own negative self-image. Be it about your body, your face, weight, or cosplay-building talents, a negative self-image would definitely contribute to feeling too embarrassed or too shy to rock your latest cosplay. A good way to avoid negative scripts is to opt out of making self-deprecating remarks about yourself or your cosplay and passing it off as sarcastic humor and humility, and replacing it with accepting the compliments despite your own concerns or insecurities and focusing on the positive factors.
Being around negative or cynical people is also an easy way to get sucked into pessimistic thought patterns. Negative people, people who constantly complain or put themselves down, or aren’t supportive are energy vampires who suck the life out of you. As much as we probably don’t care to admit it, the people we are closest to really do influence us. Be mindful of those you keep around you, as well as being mindful of how your own energy affects others. Try to remember the word Play in Cosplay! This is supposed to be fun! If others are ruining your cosplay experience, it may be time to seek out new homies to roll with.
Cosplay is a Community, not an Exclusive Membership
When you started cosplaying the cosplay community felt different, cosplayers were different and conventions were different. The landscape of cosplay and the surge of social media has changed your cosplay experience and you don’t like it. You hold on to your ideas that cosplay should be done a certain way, the community should be a certain way and you don’t let go of those ideals. You hold grudges and resentment about the new changes. Maybe you don’t agree with people cosplaying characters they don’t look like, or that they spend so much money buying cosplay when others make them. Or maybe you don’t agree with the fact that people use cosplay to earn money as models, or for commissions. Maybe you believe cosplay should be for fun and not a gateway to fame or money. You believe cosplay should be about expressing your fandom and friendship and not about materialism. Whatever your reason, expecting others to live by your rules is unreasonable. Cosplayers are all different, they come from different backgrounds, and have different beliefs. The cosplay experience cannot fall under one blanket because people can not be put under one blanket. Everyone is different. We have to let others do what makes them happy and not what we think would make them happy. We need to appreciate the differences in one another. Let people play by their own rules and appreciate what they bring to the cosplay community. The sooner you let go of your perceived notions of what cosplay SHOULD be, the sooner you can get back to enjoying your own cosplay experience.
Loneliness
Loneliness does not discriminate. Everyone has gone through feelings of loneliness whether they were alone or around people all the time but just feel alone. For many, cosplay seemed like it would be a great way to meet new friends. There was the expectation that shared interests would open the doors of friendships. Maybe as much as you have tried to put yourself out there, maybe you haven’t been able to make solid connections. Sometimes the feelings of loneliness in themselves are what are perpetuating those feelings and without even realizing it you put too much pressure on yourself and the cosplay experience cures the loneliness. Nothing will be as fulfilling as it can be until we learn to be ok when we are alone with ourselves. That is a very heavy burden for some people to bear and it’s something that sometimes we need help figuring out. Seeking out a professional to help us through any number of things, including feelings of loneliness, is the best way we can help ourselves make the best out of the Cosplay experience.
Cosplay and the cosplay experience are different for everyone. Cosplay positivity is about being at peace with yourself in whatever way it means to you. For some people, it is body image, for others, it can be about interactions they encounter within the community. Whatever it is for you, know that you are not alone. Reaching out to others and sharing your experiences, getting help in the areas that affect you, reflecting, and truly knowing yourself is the best way to start towards a path of being happier while cosplaying. You can be your own hero and you fight the tendency of falling into the pitfalls of cosplay unhappiness.
For more cosplay coverage check out:
How to host a Cosplay Meetup at your local Comic Con
How to cosplay the Thirteenth Doctor in “Revolution of the Daleks”
Cosplay Klaus Hargreeves’ Cult Leader Outfit from Umbrella Academy
Corinna’s Chilling Closet Cosplay: Cosplaying Sabrina on a budget
